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I’m sure I’ll be accused of being even more cynical than the factory owners I “critique” for this. But here goes. This is / was a particularly hilarious email discussion going on in my office… And remember it’s all in good fun, folks.

In the first email, I was discussing the fact that the Architectural Association is the place for me…

This is the school I’m (hopefully) going to. Let me know any inventive ways you guys paid for school.

Because I was going to be shouting my own manifesto from a roof anyway.
And I love being paid in beer.

So… being paid in beer for shouting my manifesto from a roof is not to be missed at any cost.


Then, at the suggestion that I become a gigolo and find a “sugar momma” (an idea still on the table, by the way), I produced this email explaining my theory of how to choose said sugar momma.

So… I’m thinking of following your suggestion and becoming a kept man.
Here’s a helpful graph. The line is the cutoff, as long as I stay in the white, I’m good.

The graph charts plots age and net worth in a woman by whom I would be “kept.”
So if she’s 50 and only worth 10 mil, there’s no way. But if she’s 50 and worth 500 mil…
I might be able to see her assets differently.

To misquote a wise man, “I ain’t sayin’ I’m a gold digga. But I ain’t messin’ with no broke ninjas.”

Then, the next email was from my friend and colleague Super, saying the following…

See, Russ? If she’s worth about $50M, Duane would be OK with that. Another example, Susan Bolye, that unemployed, 47 year old virgin, who was a singing contestant on the “Britain’s Got Talent”, becomes rich and famous, and has $500M by the time she is 50; Duane is all over that, too.

Here is a clip of her on the show:

. . . and here she is after a make over:

Like I said, with $500M, Duane is all over that!

So, this brought forth a response from my friend and coworker, Tate…

Susan Boyle is a joke… the only reason people are impressed with her singing is because of their preconceived notions based on her appearance and demeanor.

I’ve known many average looking people with far more talent… the joke of a magazine culture and the media that feeds it continues to create false idols.

And Robert’s comment was…

I think my feelings on the matter of the singer can best be summed up in a touching scene from this week’s South Park.

Which brought about me – getting entirely too serious about things.

I heard about her.

As a singer, I’m sure she’s wonderful. And of course, in a sentimental sense, it’s nice to see someone who looks more like us than the typical media circus performer succeed at the spectacle.
But she is even more a product of that value system than the typical performer. Television studios and television productions are total environments.
Every element is under strict control. If a strain of the outside gets in – for example if a member of the lumpen consumertariat breaks the fourth wall in the other direction – you can damn well be sure it was manufactured.

At least insofar as the terms of the situation were set up so that the outcome would be a “spectacular” product saleable to the viewer, not an honest challenge to (or at least hacking of) the system of production.

If you’ve had 47 years of experience to pull yourself together and you are going to be on national television, a bit of an eyebrow pluck and your sunday best aren’t too much to ask, are they? This was played for dramatic effect more cynically than even your typical clash of the media gladiators out for Caesar Cowell’s thumbs-up.

Now – who’s on the next plane to Mogadishu with me?

And mere moments ago, Russ put what I think is the perfect summary to the “discussion” thus…

hey- that ugly english woman doesn’t look anything like me.

mogadishu? thinking of funding the AA through robbery on the high seas?

Welllll…. how far would you go for architecture, Russ?

Because an extremely dangerous life in a failed state, swashbuckling and being a menace to international trade is a compelling way to make a fortune, so that I can go shout manifestoes from rooftops and get paid in beer!

I would go that far.


  1. I would be willing to help stage an armed coup at Sealand.

  2. 2.

    Nice convo. What makes the Susan Boyle thing so disturbing is that after what was clearly a careful orchestration, the best they could come up with was a dialogue glorifying themselves for not stoning her ugly ass the moment she walked on stage. A dialogue that can be reduced to this:

    Hahaha…you’re fugly!

    [facial expression: WhiskyTangoFoxtrot? What does that have to do with anything?]

    Hahaha…we thought that because you’re so fugly that your voice would be fugly too! hahahaha

    [facial expression: what the fuck is wrong with these people? This isn’t how we rehearsed this…. Hmmm, I guess they’ve cut me a good deal though…. I’ll just roll with it]

    -But your voice isn’t nearly as fugly as the voices of most of the unfugly people we’ve promoted! hahahahaha

    [facial expression: Jesus]

    What a great moral for all our stupid viewers who are responsible for the stagnant ratings of this great show about singing and talent! Fuckers!

  3. what program did you use to make that graph?

  4. Yep – spot on. You’ll find as you go on that sometimes it’s quicker to do non drafting related stuff in your drafting program than to go through the hassle of opening another and configuring it for a job that is so rudimentary it hurts.

  5. Duane – your age/worth rates of acceptability in whoredom are quite high! For a boy! In my experience guys are far more willing to shell it out for cheap than gals are. You have a surprising level of respect for your body/temple.

    Also, are looks totally not important for you? As in, are you willing to bargain yourself down if she’s a 55yr old hottie?

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