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what is there to do when life just ain’t doin’ it for you anymore? this isn’t any kind of suicidal thing, I just mean that nothing is exciting, nothing is painful, nothing makes me cry, nothing heals. I couldn’t care less about anything. not work, school, girls, beer, this city, anything. right now I have no ambition to achieve anything, and am interested in even less. somebody do something that’s gonna shock me out of this, ’cause I’ve been here a long time and it’s not getting better. I can look almost anyone in the eye and say to whatever they’re talking about, “I honestly don’t give a shit.” I really don’t care about going out anymore, chances are I won’t even connect with another person. and if I do, the chance that they’ll be worth knowing will be slim to none. probably more along the lines of none. and when i don’t go out, it’s not like it’s because I have something important to do. on the contrary, the meat of my life (music, architecture, my friends) isn’t that interesting. it’s all the same old shit over and over. my friends are all stuck in ruts, architecture’s horribly self-involved, and in the grand sceme, my creativity means nothing because I’m gonna do it wrong, anyway. music? without the moldy peaches and american steel, music would be dead. even something as foreign and disconcerting as a hospital stay (don’t worry kids, just an appendectomy) couldn’t get me outta this. I don’t care about anything, and that doesn’t bother me. it should. but i don’t care.

One of the most pitiful traits of humanity is that we are all constantly going through our days looking for some stranger to save us. every one we look in the eye we are secretly asking for help. I’ve always tried to be above this. I’ve never let myself be dragged into the sick game of hoping to have what you’re missing given to you. depending on others for a reason to go on. but now I think I’m just desperate enough to.

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